I love this perspective on grief. I, too, curse at and try to ignore mine, but unfortunately— and fortunately, weirdly— she is here to stay. I try to remind myself that the grief is only keeping me present with the loss of my mom, and that it’s okay to bask in these feelings and let them overcome me from time to time. I deserve it, and so do those emotions.
I spoke with my therapist about how I hate my younger self for not appreciating how good my mom was sooner. All of the arguments and struggles where I know I made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. The anger stage of grief was new to me and I hadn’t experienced it until then so I was extremely frustrated and I couldn’t stop crying for about a week. Thinking about “if only I knew” or “how dare you say that” only made me feel worse. Anyways, I would tell myself I understood in the end, and I know she felt it. We got so close in the last 6 years of her life and it was the best thing ever. I know how loved and protected she felt in the end. She wouldn’t want me to rot in my grief but she also wouldn’t want me to ignore it either, so I sit with it every day.
i feel this deep in my chest. you might have seen one of my recent poems about not being able to meet my younger self for coffee-this is exactly what it was trying to capture. thank you for sharing this.
I love this perspective on grief. I, too, curse at and try to ignore mine, but unfortunately— and fortunately, weirdly— she is here to stay. I try to remind myself that the grief is only keeping me present with the loss of my mom, and that it’s okay to bask in these feelings and let them overcome me from time to time. I deserve it, and so do those emotions.
grief keeps up present. that is beautifully-put.
I spoke with my therapist about how I hate my younger self for not appreciating how good my mom was sooner. All of the arguments and struggles where I know I made her feel like she wasn’t good enough. The anger stage of grief was new to me and I hadn’t experienced it until then so I was extremely frustrated and I couldn’t stop crying for about a week. Thinking about “if only I knew” or “how dare you say that” only made me feel worse. Anyways, I would tell myself I understood in the end, and I know she felt it. We got so close in the last 6 years of her life and it was the best thing ever. I know how loved and protected she felt in the end. She wouldn’t want me to rot in my grief but she also wouldn’t want me to ignore it either, so I sit with it every day.
i feel this deep in my chest. you might have seen one of my recent poems about not being able to meet my younger self for coffee-this is exactly what it was trying to capture. thank you for sharing this.